twenty-one

Twenty-one years ago, I lost my “buddy”.  Leslee gave us that title.  She and Mom were buddies, so naturally Dad and I were buddies.  He was unlike anyone I’ve ever known.  Not perfect, but as close to perfect as they come….in the eyes of his little girl, at least.  Damn, I miss him! I hate cancer more and more every year!  Some years are easier than others, and this one has been rough.  The tears have overflowed, and the hurt has been deep.  I literally cried ordering a coke at sonic.  Cool.  There really isn’t any reason for all the hurt and sadness.  I just miss him.  I miss him so damn much!  I know I always will.  November just seems to be a constant reminder of loss, of what I wish life could’ve been.  It's hard not to wish he was here, wish I could have another hug, see his smile, and the twinkle in those eyes. 

Twenty-one seems like a lifetime ago.  It almost seems like it wasn’t real, and that bothers me.  I hate feeling like I don’t know what he would say or think.  I just hate having to miss him at all.  Life really isn’t fair, and I don’t like that.  I know I’ve been handed a lot of grace.  

He was as good as they come; unlike any other.  The best of the best, and I just miss him.  I will always cherish the person he was.  I will always be thankful that of all the Dads in the world, the good Lord chose him to be mine.  I would choose him a thousand times over, even knowing I'd have to lose him.  I will always be grateful for my buddy and I hope that there is still a resemblance of who he was in me.  

The biggest prayer of my life was that he would be healed, and that I would get to keep him forever.  The Lord answered, just not the way I wanted him to.  (He seems to answer a bunch of my prayers that way.   Ha!)  I know He sees the whole picture, and He will work out every hurt for His good.  I trust that though this plan doesn’t look at all the way I so desperately wanted it to, He knows what is best for me, and his plans are GOOD.  So, I’ll keep praying that the Lord keeps those sweet memories on the surface, and that I never forget just how amazing that Daddy of mine was!